It Is Me

It has been difficult for me to write lately. I finished writing my blog in Finnish because my daughter always found my blog and felt insulted as I sometimes wrote about her. It's so much about her - all of this - because she lives the period in her life that was so dark for me as a teenager. I see in her my fear and my agony. Yet we are different persons. She finished her school - as I did and ended up in emptiness and despair. Me, not her.

I know, I shouldn't mix up things. She is a cheerful girl, she only wanted to rest a little. To get out of the depressing educational system, to take a brake. As I did. I should understand, I understand, that's not the difficulty.

It's me. It's me.



Greetings to Canada: first flowers of the spring!

Light

Mountains near Pico Ruivo, Madeira, Portugal

Just a few days of sunshine, mountains and waves of the Atlantic Ocean. Just that in a right time may be enough for me to survive this winter.

We just came back from our trip. A happy surprise awaited us: the ground was covered with snow at last.

Dark

I'm getting sick of this darkness. It's sneaking inside, getting me down. As if. As if I weren't there already.

So Few Words

It's been a dark winter without snow. Daughter finished her school, got tired with it. I don't know what's her next move. I'm a bit worried about it but I do understand her becoming exhausted after so many years at school. I'm tired with my work, too. It's so much new to learn and so few to help me.

I've almost finish writing although I think I should do it to keep my mind in order.... so few words...

We'll travel to Madeira (Portugal) at the end on February. Me, Daughter and A.

My love to you reading this...

Happy New Year 2008!

My new job has been a bit stressful. Hope I'll get used to it soon. And ex has been a real shithead. Hope he'll calm down soon. I'm hopeful.

Life Goes On...

I'm grieving for my dad who has terminal cancer. I'm lucky to have someone with me just now. A is beside me every now and then, not at the weekends, though, because of his work. Anyway, grieving is not possible if you're all alone. I realized that when my baby died for years ago. Of course, we both mourned for her, both me and ex, but our sorrow separated us, and I couldn't accomplish my grieving. Perhaps it continues now...

It's snowing for the fist time this autumn. The snow probably smelts later this day but just now it's so beautiful. I'll change my job next month leaving work that I didn't like and colleagues that I liked so much. Even that is some kind of a loss. They won't be far away, in fact, in the same building, but I'm leaving the gang.

We were last summer in Gotland, Sweden (my daughter inside a limestone formation)

Ps. He died last night, I just heard...

Hard Times

Daughter and her problems, feeling useless and worthless at work, wanting to quit, father and his cancer, even ex may have some serious illness if it's true what he told our daughter. How on earth do I handle all this?

So tired.

Teenager Stuff

Thank you, everybody, for your comments. I'm alone after a long time so this is opportunity for me to write something. Ex has calmed down. I've spent most of my weekends with A either here or in his place. Both having our past, there's been some difficulties, too. A has been married twice and treated badly, and me... I don't know whose past is worse. But I still have some kind of crises. Still need therapy.

I realize now, that what began about a year ago has much to do with my daughter's age. She is expecting something from me that I never got myself. I didn't get unconditional love that my daughter needs now so desperately. I wasn't given the liberty to express my feelings freely. Instead I had to carry the emotions of my parents (of my mum especially). Had to walk on tiptoes in order not to annoy her and to hide my bad feelings because nobody comforted me. Now I have to face it in my daughter. I have to face my inability to be a good mother, and it's not easy. I must be able to do better than this, I must! For a moment ago, she departed home slamming doors and shouting that she'll kill both me and her cat if somebody opens the door of her room while she's away. That's quite normal teenager behavior. But I have great difficulties to face her strong emotions without becoming distressed. I'm afraid that I 'm the last person to teach her how to deal with your emotions. I cannot deal with them myself.

Independence

I've been discussing about my ex with my therapist. We decided not to do anything because taking action might only confirm his behavior. So I won't go to the police but, at the same time, I must try not to take his accusing messages so seriously. Why would I? They're unreasonable. At the same time this will be one of the hardest tasks for me. I don't have any protective shell cover. Every word will go through hitting my personality, identity, value. Every bad word makes me bad, so bad I want to die. They can be words by a total stranger. A statement by a passer-by, which isn't even accusing, can bury me into my bed for the rest of the day - and it's only my interpreting. It's the tireless accuser inside me that amplifies every negative thought to a death-sentence.

This is some kind of independence, fragility. That your value is given you from outside. This is my central problem.

Bad News

Dad, who was operated last summer, called me just a moment ago. His cancer (which wasn't even aggressive) has spreaded into lymph follicles. Don't know what I feel now. Is this sorrow?